Getting along with people begins, obviously, in the family. Orphanages, or foster families being special cases. Another special case for the young person is being farmed out to relatives. The latter case is the subject of two of the greatest novels ever written, David Copperfield and Great Expectations both by Charles Dickens written 35 years apart in the 1800s. In the first, David must learn circumspection, to not be too quick to believe everyone. In the second, Pip must get over being a little snob, and learn to embrace whatever harsh facts life brings to him. He fantasizes that his unknown benefactor is the rich guardian of the young woman he loves, but in fact it is an illegally returned convict whom Pip had helped escape capture many years before. Pip reaches happy maturity when he accepts the actual facts just as they are, and builds a life from the strength this achievement of acceptance brings.
In childhood we learn to get along with people by following how our parents get along with people. From when I was four I can remember my mother entertaining a woman friend during the afternoon while my father was at work. I interrupted by bringing a bunch of flowers for the guest from the garden, immitating my mother, and when sent outside again, from the neighbor's yard. So, giving gifts we learn from parents. (Stealing flowers we learn all by ourselves). My mother was fond of saying, "Honey catches more flies than vinegar." Sometimes 'being nice' is unfairly tagged as 'Sucking up' a characterization that worries me as it is on the rise, coupled with a general increase in cynicism and division.
So, the ability to get along with people is likely to become more and more important in future days. In team sports it's easy as there is an obvious common goal, but in private life not so easy. Koby Bryant handles getting along with his teammates just fine on the court, but when Karl Malone mildly flirted with his wife off the court, "getting along" broke down. (Koby's wife showed appalling bad judgment in relaying to her husband Karl's cliche remark.)
One can have a fine life not getting along with people: it is after all an option. Some people handle being alone just fine, while for others it is torture. People skills really can be learned. Someone I admire didn't like 'Sales.' He preferred the concept of offering people free choice.
Pretty exhausting subject: I think I'll quit, for now.
Barry
1 comment:
Your article is one of the first I've read recently on the subject of "getting along." Thank you for your insights. I think as I transition into adulthood (I'm 22) I'm realizing how I don't want to emulate some of the ways my parents relate to other adults. Right now, I'm going through a process of re-learning the art of friendships (which seemed to come more easily as a child...) I enjoyed your synopsis of Great Expectations (maybe I'll read it) and example of Koby...and yes, the garden example too.
It's interesting that having close relationships is optional. Living alongside 6 billion others isn't optional--and we must constantly rely on each other's skills & work--but how easy is it to shut down emotionally so that we become the definition of self-absorbed, which greatly limits our ability to be close to people.
How do we learn to care more? You have offered some insights: acceptance, emulating, learning from other's over-reactions. Thanks Barry.
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