How to Catch Flies With Your Bare Hands

In retirement at Lake Chapala, Jalisco, I had the leisure to practice catching flies without stirring, or incurring any expense. My computer chess program was busted, so swatting flies was an alternative.

I sat in my armchair on the verandah enjoying the view and waited for flies to alight. Generally I used the two-handed clap method. My cousin Peter could catch flies, when we were boys, with a one-handed scoop; either he had faster reflexes than I had, or he simply caught slower flies: that way, I'd miss, and still miss, every time. Too old now maybe, perish the thought.

Flies land and either stay still, alert, or bend or crouch while wiping themselves. Anticipating when they will wipe their head, or their wings, is a good time to strike. They'll wipe their head at least two times per sitdown. Rarely do they embrace one another, but when they do, you have an easy two-for-one kill.

Waiting for them to wring their hands gives you time to concentrate, focus, relax and summon the intensity for your attack. This preparation stage, which I borrowed from acting theory**, will improve your kill / miss ratio.

One trick is to be sure not to telegraph hand/arm motion by first moving another part of the body. A variation is to deliberately and slowly move the leg or knee the fly has landed on, then simultaneously clap your hands six inches above the target. I have killed as many as ten an hour. Flies, like El Toro, love to defy death, and return over and over till it is their turn to die. After a whole hour I'm exhausted, and take a siesta. It's not the clapping that is tiring, it's the emotion of combat. As Vince Lombardi said, catching flies is "emotional."

Moral: in retirement one can do anything.

Barry

** An Actor Prepares, by Constantin Stanislavsky